I'm Such A Wimp!

We were going to tell our families this weekend that we were expecting. We had this whole plan going where Annabelle blew out her candle and we said that we were giving her the best birthday gift ever. She was going to be a big sister. Its such a rare occurrence that we have all our family together at once and  we thought this was a great time. Well, last minute I chickened out.

It wasn't because of the m/c either, it was because I was paranoid people would be picturing us having sex! ha ha I know sounds crazy! I just feel so awkward telling people we are pregnant, its like they will know we have sex. Obviously they already know but telling them were pregnant just confirms it. I just imagined 12 people standing there picturing us making a baby. So weird and awkward.

The downside is that its getting harder and harder to hide it. My body is showing SO much faster than I did with A and I'm surprised nobody said anything to me yet. They all likely just think I'm getting fat. I did tell the mail man though! ha ha

Here are some pictures of my babe from her birthday dinner!

Getting My Butt Kicked

Today is majorly kicking my ass. I was fine this morning and around lunch time I got that feeling where you stomach feels like its in your throat. I'm starving but yet everything I try to think of to make makes me gag. At least I can stomach water. I never felt like this with A. If I didn't know I was pregnant with A I would have never felt it. She was such an easy pregnancy. Even though it sucks, you view pregnancy symptoms very differently once you had trouble getting pregnant or lost pregnancies.

Today is just one of those days where we throw on the TV shows and call it a day! At least A and I got to go to a farm this morning and feed some animals. Some of her friends came along and played with us and it was nice catching up with some friends. I was surprised A actually wanted to feed the goats this time around, she's usually very timid.

This is going to be a busy week. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to check on the babe first thing in the morning. Then A and I will likely take a trip somewhere to pass the day by and in the afternoon I have to make a menu for Saturday. Thursday will be my food shopping day and Friday S took off so I can clean the house while he watches A. Saturday we have family coming over, around 10 people to celebrate A's birthday with us. Its not really a party, just a dinner as a family. Its been a while since we have all been together. Sunday is our relax day.

I originally wasn't going to have anything for A's birthday but decided to do something for her actual birthday on Monday. Its been getting to be around that time for me to throw a playdate anyway so I thought why not throw a pajama party pancake breakfast birthday celebration! This way A gets to hang out with all her friends, I get to hang out with friends, I don't have to get anyone dressed and making pancakes is a peace of cake! I'll just stick a candle in a stack of pancakes and call it a day ;-) Genius right? ;-)

Pictures and Updates

Hello all, its been a while....again. I have been so swamped with orders at my shop I barely have time to get on. Halloween time and Christmas is always the busiest as everyone is preparing. Over the past weekend I got 17 orders!!! Trying to make 17 hats in a hurry is not an easy task.

Everything with the pregnancy so far is going wonderful! Last night was the first time we were able to finally hear the heartbeat on the doppler we have home at 9 weeks and 4 days. I have been trying every 3 days or so for the past 2 weeks but after about 5 minutes of searching we finally found it! You could only hear it for about 4-5 seconds at a time but it was still very exciting. For obviously reasons the first trimester is tough for me so being able to check on that little bean and know everything is ok means everything. Another ultrasound next Wednesday to see how things are progressing.

On Sunday we had our family pictures and they came out PERFECT! I am so happy with them and that I found a photographer in my area that I love. Its not an easy task! We used Our Little Studio in Elkton, MD.  Here are some pictures to show off my awesome family.

Baby, Baby, Baby!

The little baby is doing great. Checked up on it yesterday and we are at 8 weeks and 6 days today. Going back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks again to see how things are progressing. Then in 4 weeks we will have the first trimester screening and after that we should be good to be going ever 4 weeks. If the ultrasound goes well in 2 weeks we will likely feel comfortable telling our families and close friends about our pregnancy.

Saying Goodbye

This weekend we traveled to NJ to say goodbye to my grandma that was going back to Poland. It was so so sad seeing her and Annabelle saying goodbye, it broke my heart. My grandma loves her so much and Annabelle really enjoyed spending time with her. It was amazing looking at Annabelle in all her innocence and then my grandmother who lived life, been hurt by life and grew from life. Two total opposites of each other and loving each other so much. I hate saying goodbye especially since I never know when the last time I see her will be. She's only able to come to the US once a year and that's a long time span for someone who's already almost 80.

On a different note, I have another OB appointment tomorrow. Naturally I'm nervous to see how things are progressing but I have to stay positive. I have been awesome at keeping things to myself and barely telling anyone were expecting. I need to stop worrying so much. I told S that I will ask the doctor if I can take a video of the ultrasound to show him when he gets home. With all this government shut down going on he really cant take a day off to come with us. Wish us luck!

Oh Hey!

Hope everyone that comes over to read is doing well! My life hasn't been too exciting unless you considering starving all the time, being blah and being constantly tired exciting. Don't get me wrong, after wanting to be pregnant for so long I appreciate all the symptoms but sometimes after chasing a toddler around too it can get a bit overwhelming. This pregnancy feels a lot more exhausting than my first one but it may just be that I didn't notice as much las time. I didn't have a kid to run after, stay awake for and I was able to nap whenever since I didn't work at that time.

Look at this adorable project my friend asked me to make her! I am in love with this little guy and Annabelle kept trying to steal him so I had to put him away. Maybe I can make her one for her birthday.

 

So it looks like S will be staying home tomorrow since the government shut down. Unless they come up with a solution fast we will be spending some nice quality time together. I am excited to have him home but also worrying about what the pay situation will be. We already had to deal with an unnecessary furlough earlier in the year and now this too? Its getting a bit old government!

 

Well, I'm done blabbering. I think its time for bed even though its barely 10pm. Goodnight all!

Third Time is a Charm

Third time must be a charm because I went to the OBGYN today and we have a baby and a HB already! I am measuring at 5 weeks and 6 days and my due date is May 17th. I was hoping for May 29th which is my dads birthday but were close enough!

I am so so excited but still cautiously optimistic. The progesterone supplements are kicking my ass and making me not only cranky but super tired and just feeling blah. I am ready for bed by 8 pm almost every night and I could sleep for hours. Other then that I have no major symptoms which is a good thing. I was pretty much the same with A. Now that we saw the HB I am so tempted to tell people I will keep it on the down low for a few more weeks. Its hard to keep quiet!

I told S were going to need a bigger car ;-) We were so amazed that something so little that is only .44cm can already have a heartbeat. I saw it thumping away on the ultrasound and it just melted my heart. It took up about half of its body and it was the best sight ever. May cant come soon enough!

Progesterone Update

I haven't had a chance to get online and update since I've been traveling. The lab technician from the doctors office called me Friday about an hour before I was about to leave for NJ. Apparently my progesterone dropped. Last time it was 15.2 and now it was 10.5. Even though its still in the normal range its in the low normal range so the doctor prescribed me some progesterone pills. She gave me 100mg 2x per day until I am 10 weeks along. That's when the placenta takes over and progesterone is no longer as important. Thankfully I was able to pick them up right before my trip.

I am feeling pretty comfortable with this plan. This pregnancy feels a lot different than the last two that I lost. I noticed that I have a lot less discomfort which makes me wonder if the other pregnancies were doomed from the beginning. I had extreme burning sensation in my uterus area for both pregnancies that I lost but none with A and this one. I am going back to the doctors on Wednesday to get another ultrasound to see how things are progressing. I am HOPING we can see a heartbeat flicker.

We have been really enjoying our time in NJ. A and I got to visit our old apartment where S and I lived together for the first time and then we went to the beach. It was so much fun. A was smiling, chasing waves, playing with sand and we had an awesome lunch on the beach. Then we went to a local chocolate store and had caramel covered apples on the boardwalk. I miss living so close to the beach so much. We even got a little tan! Check us out today! Nothing beats cuddling with you baby while watching the waves roll by. What an amazing day!

Life Is Good

I'm feeling good today! My grandma is landing from Poland in an hour, I get to go see family tomorrow in NJ, take A to the beach where we used to live, enjoy the cooler weather and just relax. A had an awesome day today which has been rare lately with 4 teeth coming in.

I had my progesterone tested again so I should have the results back tomorrow. After this test I'm pretty sure I'm done with the testing. I think there is a panel they have you do once you are 6 weeks along which will likely be what I have to do at my next appointment. S and I decided that if everything works out with this pregnancy were not going to find out the sex of the baby. Not being able to get pregnant for a while put a perspective on things for us and I think it will be a nice to keep a little mystery in our lives.

On a side note I had a friend text me a picture this morning that shes expecting as well! Her daughter and A play all the time and I am so happy for her. Shes a little further along than I am, around 9 weeks but nobody knows about my pregnancy yet so its kind of funny to keep a little secret to myself.

I'll update on test results tomorrow. Fingers crossed progesterone is still high!

If Only...

If only I had a $1 for every time I had someone tell me that I'm lucky I don't have to work... (then I really wouldn't have to work)

 

But this is the reality....

 

 

 

 

 

Progesterone

Just called the doctors office to find out my progesterone levels and they are looking great! The level is 15.4 which is perfect and I am SO relieved. Still going in today at 2:30 to likely have my first ultrasound to check on the lining and progress. I am SO excited but still cautiously optimistic. I really hope this is it.

Doctor Update:
I just got back from the doctor and she said everything looks great so far. She wanted to do an ultrasound and the lining looks great and she showed me the corpus luteum on the ultrasound which was pretty neat to see. I have another appointment on the 25th (in 2 weeks) for another ultrasound to see how things are progressing and another progesterone draw in one week to see if there is any change. So far everything is looking up.

Thank you to everyone who send me a private message congratulating me. I hate keeping this from friends but I just cant deal with seeing and hearing all the congratulation's just to hear the I'm sorry's later on if things don't work out. Keep your fingers and toes crossed!

I Cant Believe It

I cant believe it...it actually happened. Ovulated on CD 21 out of a 24 days cycle and after my period was 9 days late I finally got a positive. I didn't even think it was possible to get pregnant so late in your cycle. Its like my body skipped my period and just went on doing its thing. I guess the pains I was feeling last Friday was implantation.

Now, before I get all excited I have to face the reality of things and how things may go. I told S and he was super excited. I told him not to get too excited just yet, we still have some hurtles to get over. I had my progesterone tested today and will likely have the results tomorrow. Then at 2:30 I have my follow up appointment with the OB to likely do an ultrasound and talk if I need progesterone supplements.

The irony in all of this? This was the month the doctor wanted me to do unmonitored Clomid. I chose not to do it yet because I wanted another month of ttc on our own before I felt comfortable taking Clomid. Then we were going to put off Clomid for another month because we have a lot going on in the upcoming month and I didn't want to miss my ovulation day.

I am so excited but nervous at the same time. I want to be happy but the previous miscarriages cause me to be so cautious. Its like you know your life can be changed forever in a good way or everything can crumble again. Its hard having to prepare for both.

I ask that if you read this here to please not say anything elsewhere unless you are private messaging me. I don't want to say anything to anyone until I at least see the heartbeat this time around. This blog is my vent space and if you have the link chances are I trust you enough not to say anything. Thank you!

I Hope I Dont Jinx Myself

I finally told S I was 4 days late on my period. Naturally he got very excited but I told him not to get too excited just yet. We still have several hurtles to go over. I have been having cramping on and off all day and this afternoon I started potting brown and light pink. I have had this with all 3 pregnancies and it was implantation bleeding. The timelines line up so fingers crossed. I am nervous and excited all at once. I have not had a positive test yet but its only 7-10 days after ovulation which would make sense.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Still Nothing

My period is still MIA. Its now CD 28 and I haven't had a 28 day cycle since February! I didn't test today because I did ovulate super late (CD 21ish) so even if I did it would have been too early. Even if I am not pregnant (obviously even though I hope I am) I am so glad that my cycles are finally going back to normal. I will likely do an early read pregnancy test on Sunday morning. By then hopefully its late enough to tell me something.

Interesting

Here is something interesting...I'm 2 days later on my period. All tests negative so far. I only ovulated what seems like 6 days ago so I'm not getting excited, maybe my body is just regulating itself back to normal. For the past 4 months my period has been very predictable, CD 24 around 5pm and now its CD 26 and still nothing.

I Did It!

I dyed my hair to brown and I LOVE it. It came out much better than I anticipated and I asked the girl to make it a little darker because I know it will still fade a decent amount. It took her almost 5 hours to get it done. We had to do it in 2 steps, first she dyed it really dark blonde to put some color back in my hair and then wash/dry and another round with the brown color. Otherwise my color would have just faded and washed out within a few weeks. Almost $300 later, S loves it too and and keeps telling me I look very "sultry" ha ha. He must have really loved it because he even ordered me a KitchenAid Mixer I have been asking for for a while.

On a different note, I think I definitely ovulated this month! Very late in the cycle but I still  ovulated. We will still hold off Clomid until the following month since next month is very crazy for us but who knows, maybe I will be lucky and it will happen on its own. Fingers crossed! Now I'm just dealing wit annoying cramps that come right before getting my period. Booo!

Changes

Hey there, its me again, slacker! At last this time I have a good excuse, I have been swamped with my Etsy shop. There really hasn't ben too much excitement going on but I am planning on making some changes!

Change #1: I'm going dark! I have been putting it off for many years now but I am finally making the jump and dying my hair brown. I haven't had dark hair for a long long time. I love being blonde, don't get me wrong but I am just tired of dealing with it. Since I am taking prenatal vitamins my hair grows like CRAZY! I literally have 1 inch roots within 2 months and I hate dying my hair. Not only is it time consuming but its expensive too. Now that my color will be more like my natural color I will be able to get away with it for longer. I'm thinking this!

Change #2: I cant take Clomid this upcoming month. That was the original plan but with my grandma coming from Poland mid cycle and then S traveling for work at the end of my cycle its just too much. I don't want to miss my ovulation time because either him or me will be traveling. Also, I think I ovulated this month! Even though I did OPK's I think I missed my surge. The Clear Blue OPK tell you to tell first thing in the AM and since I only had so many I couldn't test multiple times a day. I did have a slight raise in my temp after the whole month being crazy and my CM was definitely egg white right before the surge but since its so late in my cycle (CD 19) I highly doubt a pregnancy is possible with such a shot LP. Maybe postponing Clomid for another month may not be a bad idea.

Today I am having major burning in my uterus area. I have no idea what it is but I have been feeling it a lot lately around the time of my period coming. I'm on CD 21 out of 24 day cycle so period is just around the corner. I had my progesterone draw yesterday but have not heard back the results yet but I'm certain I know what the answer will be.

I'm excited for the weekend. Its a long weekend and I get my hair done. Then we have some family trips planned for this weekend and I am looking forward to some down time. Hope everyone has a good weekend!

I Have Been Such a Slacker

I have been such a slacker when it comes to writing lately. Honestly I feel like I have nothing exciting to add. I've been feeling down recently about not being able to get pregnant ASAP again and its just frustrating me. I'm slowly starting to lose motivation in having sex because I feel like what's the point. I know there is more to it than baby making but that's all that's been on my mind.

I have been doing the Clear Blue OPK's every morning and still no smiley face. I'm not surprised because today is only CD 13 and before I had what I thought was a positive around CD 15. I've been having S wake me up every morning at 6am so I can take my temperature for charting and my chart's still look wonky. A has been sleeping AMAZING so I am definitely getting my 3-4 hours. I just don't know why charting isn't working out when it has for so many. (I always test at the same time but don't always enter at the same time which is messing up the color's of the dots)

 

On top of everything A has 4 teeth coming in all at once. She's been so cranky and fussy its wearing my down. Last night she couldn't fall asleep and got her foot stuck in the bars of the crib. Then she fell down because she couldn't get it out and twisted her ankle a bit before I had a chance to get to her. She limped when I had her walk but she seems to be doing a bit better this morning. It is kind of swollen and bruised though. At least these are the last few teeth until her last molars are due.

                                             Almost out, can already see the white peaks!

I still have to go get another progesterone draw on CD 20 and I'm dreading it because I pretty much know what the answer will be. I have Clomid waiting for me and if my charting shows no spike, the positive OPK and low test again for progesterone I'm just going to take it.

That's really all I have for now. Been kind of in a slump and I really don't feel like writing more.

Decision, Decisions....

Hello! I cant believe the weekend flew by so fast. Since the government furlough's got shortened this was our last long weekend. We finally got a chance to go to NJ and visit family that we haven't seen since maybe March! A had an awesome time visiting her grandparents and S and I got to take a 2 hour nap in an afternoon....together! That hasn't happened since before A was born.

Anyway, lets get to the juicy stuff. I went to the doctor on Thursday to discuss my low progesterone. My doctor believes I'm not ovulating based on the low progesterone tests and prescribed me Clomid. I was hoping she would be a little more thorough but she would like me to do unmonitored Clomid which is making me feel a bit uncomfortable. Normally there is a bunch of tests they want you do before starting fertility treatment but she didn't care to do any of that.

I have done a fair amount of my own research and talked to friends who have been in a similar situation and I keep coming across the same info...unmonitored Clomid can be dangerous. There are many risk factors but the two main ones that stick out to me are a much higher chance of conceiving twins and the possibility of over stimulating your ovaries. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind 2 babies but financially it may be quite a bit challenging. The health risks of carrying twins also scares me and when I told S the chance he kind of gave me the side eye. I definitely don't think he would be able to handle two for the price of one.

I have had a lot of time to think this weekend and decided to take another month or two before Clomid. I have been been doing the cheap OPK's which don't really give me a definite answer so I ordered the Clear Blue OPK's to see if I can get a better positive this month. If I do not get a positive along with another low progesterone draw on CD 20 this month then I will consider taking the Clomid. I feel like I need more confirmation that I am really not ovulating than just 2 progesterone draws.

I also ordered the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and will try charting again this month. Last month was a mess but maybe this month will work out better. I think that's all I got for now! I got a low of Etsy order this weekend so I'm off to unpack and get crocheting!

Patience

If having issues getting pregnant taught me anything, its definitely having patience. All you do is wait, wait and wait some more. Since my last progesterone test came in my doctor wants to see me to discuss options again. This time I was told it may include talking about Clomid so I have been doing my own research and trying to arm myself with as much info as possible. I'm meeting with the doctor today at 3:20.

Fertility is so complicated! This whole time I was understanding things backwards. I thought my progesterone was low which was causing me not to ovulate but really its the lack of ovulation that is causing the low progesterone. I was confused why the doctor wanted to talk Clomid instead of giving me progesterone supplements but I guess it makes sense now. Depending on what she offers I think I would still like to take 1-2 months ttc by ourselves before going on any drug. I don't think I'm ready to get medicated just yet.

On a different note, if I have another person tell me I should track my temp's I'm going to scream. Even when I tell them I tried but due to A waking up at night still I can never get the 3-4 hours needed for an accurate read they still tell me how I'm prob not doing it right and I should just do it. Even though my chart's are all crazy I'm still trying in hopes of it being accurate and having a spike its just so frustrating not being listened to. Its like they think I'm lying that its not working out for me.

Anyway, A is having a amazing nap today! Wish us luck at the doctors. I'm curious to see what she suggests.

Second Progesterone Test

I had a second blood draw on CD 17 for the progesterone test because my doctor believes every woman ovulates 14 days before her period. Well, the results came back as 0.9. Whomp whomp! This either means that my progesterone is low and I am not ovulating or we were way off assuming  ovulate on CD 10 out of a 24 da cycle. Kind of what  already expected so I wasn't really surprised. The doctor was on call only today so I have to wait and see what she wants to do next. Hopefully I hear back within the next day or two.

On a happy note, we went to Longwood Gardens today and had a great time! I am so glad we got the membership. Here are some pictures.

Friday!

I cant believe its Friday already. S having off Monday's because or the furlough really makes the week's fly. I got my progesterone blood draw today. Its CD 17 and since my doctor thinks I'm ovulating on CD 10 this will give us a read of the progesterone levels. I'm curious to see the results. Unfortunately I have to wait ALL the way till Monday to find out because of the weekend. Boo!

S has been in a funk lately. Maybe its the furlough getting to him or hes just feeling overwhelmed. I have been trying to be extra supportive and telling him how grateful we are to have him so I hope its been helping. We have a fun weekend ahead so hopefully that will help too. Tomorrow we have a small birthday party to go to for his co worker and on Sunday I will try taking him raspberry picking. He loves fruit so it may be a little pick me up. Then on Monday since he has off we will go to Longwood Gardens again and have a picnic. The weather will be beautiful in the high 70's.

Next week will be an exciting week for Annabelle and I! I decided that I will start an at home pre preschool program with her to start teaching her her basics such as numbers, letters, shapes, colors etc. We do a lot of activities throughout our week's but I think a nice formal way of teaching her will be very helpful to her. My friend sent me this website (CLICK HERE) with weekly lesson plans that I will switch around a bit to fit our schedule and learning goals but I am excited! She's been trying talk and talk more and I hope this will be an extra boost in her learning.

In other news, when A was in the hospital we received a little baby hat that a volunteer made. It was one of her first hats and whenever I think of her birth  I always imagine her with that little itty bitty hat on. Well we decided to give back and make some hats of our own to donate. We have been busy all week making them with this beautiful soft yarn I got at a craft fair. I am excited about bringing it to the hospital in a few days. I just have to add a few touches to them.

                                                  My babe and her little hat!

                                                 What we are donating!

Well, hope everyone has a good weekend! Looking forward to the cooler weather and some outdoor family time.

Yesterday's Surgery

Yesterday's minor surgery to get the mole removed went pretty smoothly but ugh, I hope I never have to do that again! Even though you don't feel pain you feel everything else which totally grossed me out. Feeling of them cutting your skin with scissors, puling, tugging, sewing up for stitches and all.

I was all well until the end the doctor asked "Would you like to see your mole???" and before I had the chance to say NO he shoved a pair of pliers with my mole on the tip in my face and I almost passed out. Who does that! I had to sit in my car for about 5 minutes before my legs stopped feeling wobbly and I was ok to drive.

I was pretty pain free until he evening when I guess all the pain medication wore off. It stunk/burned pretty bad and I went to bed around 9:30 so I couldn't feel the pain. This morning feels ok so far. H was great at helping with A and did all the lifting and heavy work.

After lunch we went to Longwood Gardens because we have heard such good things about them. We went in on regular admission but since we liked it so much we got the annual pass for us. A was free because kids under 5 don't have to pay an admission so our pass was only $85 with an extra $10 discount they gave us! Total win. The weather was perfect and she loved playing in the fountains! Perfect place to cool down.

Some old business to update on, a few weeks ago S got me a MacBook and I asked him to return it. I loved it but I jus couldn't get used to the software. I guess I'm a Windows whore so we exchanged it for another Windows computer. Still took a bit to get used to Windows 8 but its nowhere near as hard as the MacBook. Also loving this computer because its touch screen! Its kind of like having a tablet + keyboard.

Getting ready to take another progesterone test this week. CD 17 lands on Friday so I am curious to see what the results say. Doctor claims that every woman ovulates 14 days BEFORE her period and I am pretty certain I ovulate CD 15 but hey, WHAT DO I KNOW! My cycles are only 24 days long so she believes I ovulate around CD 10. My temping chart looks crazy this month, it kind of makes me laugh at how inaccurate it is. Waking up several times at night with A totally messes it all up. I'm curious to see if there will be a spike at CD 15 though! Here is it, so you can see the mess I am talking about.

Updates, Updates, Updates!

Old Business:

1. Went to the dermatologist and thankfully it wasn't so bad! I got to keep my undies and bra on but boy did I have a lot of moles. There are 14 he said need to be watched and one he would like to remove. I'm going in on Monday to get it removed. I heard its not that bad and its on my breast so at least the scar will be hidden if there is any.

2. Went back to the OB and now she doesn't think I have a progesterone issue. My cycles are 24 days long and the test was taken on day 23. My results for that day were 2.9 which could simply mean that by then my progesterone levels have already dropped since I did get my period the next day. Now she would like me to have my progesterone retested on cycle day 17 this time instead of 23 and see what it says. That should confirm if I am ovulating or not. I think that falls on August 3rd or so. She said there is really no need for interventions yet since we have only been trying again for 3 months which I agree.

New Business:

Went blueberry picking with A again today. It was really fun especially since some of our friends came with us so we got to chat and catch up. On our way back I was driving home and I see a car just stopped dead in the lane with all its doors open. I was so confused and I look and there is an older man laying on the ground with a lawn mower next to him. I see two men leaning over him and I instantly know something isn't right. I pulled over and asked if someone had called 911 and somewhere a woman emerges with her phone and says she's just calling them now.

We were talking to him, fanning him but his eyes stayed glassed over and he wasn't moving. Thankfully he was still breathing and then his wife, also an elderly woman runs out and seeing her yell his name, saying to wake up and begging him to be ok broke my heart to pieces! I overheard her saying that he was 71 and he was such a sweet old man. About 5 minutes passed by of him not really responding and then he finally started to come to again. By then the ambulance was on its way.

 I had A in the car so I told them I was going to get going an I hope everything was ok. Driving back home was hard. I just kept picturing the fear in the wife's eyes and hearing her begging for him to be ok. It really puts things in perspective how tomorrow is such a gamble. Really makes you appreciate the simple things in life you have been given.

On another note, when we bought our furniture we got a protection plan for them. Well I have been fighting with this insurance company for 3 weeks now to have something covered and I am still fighting. If I don't hear back or get a resolution by Monday I'm filing a claim with the BBB. I don't have the time or the energy to do this. They were quick to take my money but not so quick to fulfill their promises. So frustrating!

Tomorrow Will Be Interesting

I cant believe tomorrow will be Monday already! Since S has off every Monday because of the government furlough's I try to schedule all my appointments on that day so I don't have to bring Annabelle. Tomorrow I have a dermatologist appointment at 10:30 and a OBGYN appointment at 3.

I asked some of my friends what to expect at my first appointment with the dermatologist since I have never been to one and they did not tell me what I was hoping to hear! One told me to be ready to get more personal with my dermatologist than my OB. I was told that they lift your boobs to check for moles and ask you to spread your cheeks to check. What?!?! I am not only mentally prepared for this but physically as well. Looks like I will be performing a top to bottom groom in the AM. I'm glad I asked!

Then in the afternoon I have my OB appointment to talk about our options regarding the ovulation issue. I hope we can get some more testing done to figure out what is going on and I also have to go to Quest to get some blood drawn for my regular physical I had done last week.

Needless to say, tomorrow is going to be a fun (sarcasm) day. Wish me luck!

I Must Be Insane

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

^Yep, thats me.

My mother hasn't been part of my life in a long, long time and the few times we do communicate its for Annabelle. I think I have seen her a total of 5 times since Annabelle was born and quite frankly I don't intend to change that any time. She has disappointed me plenty of times in my life and this never changes so why is it that every time I make an attempt to get in touch with her I expect something different? Because I'm insane!

Since I have been having all the hormone and ovulation issues I thought maybe I should give her a ring to see if maybe it could be a genetic thing. Her and I never talk let alone talk about personal stuff. I called her yesterday evening and she answered and I told her I have a question. I didn't tell her the whole truth but I told her that I got a physical and my hormone levels came back low and wanted to see if she ever had any issues that I may have inherited.

Well, guess what she told me? She told that she's out hanging out with her friends in Hoboken right now and she's too busy to talk but I should just get whatever I need to get fixed and call it a day. Helpful right? I would think that she would at least show some care to see if anything was wrong but no, of course not.

I don't even know why I was disappointed. I know how she is, I know she doesn't give a crap so why was I surprised? I really should learn my lesson that she's never going to gain the maternal gene. Ever!

Sigh...Am I Surprised?

Here is another update! I got a call back today at 9:55...at least I got a call back right? Well, not like it did much good because the tech told me that the doctor wants me to come in to discuss options. The doctor thinks that based on my test results I'm not ovulating.  This couldn't have been done yesterday??

Anyway, I scheduled an appointment for Monday. S will be home that day and I asked him to come with me. It would be nice for him to stay home and watch A but I feel like this will be a mutual decision for us so I think he should be there. Its also nice to have a second set of ears to listen and pop out questions as needed.

I really hope that the doctor wants to be proactive and actually find out WHY its happening instead of just throwing me on medication and calling it a day. Obviously I can carry a pregnancy and was able to get pregnant twice so its interesting why I would just stop ovulating.

I'm also thinking of getting a second opinion so if anyone has any recommendation's on doctors or any advice its appreciated.

Quick Update

Got my progesterone levels back and they are low. I only spoke to the tech because the doctor didnt have a chance to review my results yet but the level is at 2.9 but it would be more around 10-15. I was told to call back at 3pm if I dont hear back from them by then to see what steps we will take next.

Will update more when I hear back.

UPDATE: Am I surprised that the doctors office never called me back? Of course not. I think I called them at least 5 times after 3pm only to get in touch with the lab coordinator and for her to tell me that the doctor already left. Just when I had hope for this office they pull this. I guess she must have sensed how pissed I was so she told me how she's writing herself a note RIGHT NOW and will get back to me by 10am tomorrow, no later. How much does anyone want to bet I will never get a call?

Fingers, Toes and Everything Inbetween

Keep them all crossed! I had my progesterone test this morning and I hope everything is well. I should have the test results back some time tomorrow or the day after. Today is a busy day of running errands and getting the house clean since we have company tonight. My friend is coming over to stay with us for 5 days with her daughter that is a month younger than Annabelle. Should be fun!

Opening Up

Going through a miscarriage is a very painful thing for a woman. It makes you feel like you failed your child which is a mother's worse fear. Not only do you feel like your failed as a mother but also as a woman. One of the main things women are supposed to be able to do is carry a child and I wasn't able to do that. Not only was I not able to do it once, but it happened twice. Back to back.

When it happens once you think to yourself that this must have just been bad luck. Then you get pregnant again and think to yourself, what are the chances of it happening again! When it does happen again you really start questioning your body and what is going on. Is it me? Was it the baby? Was it the sperm?

I think up until now I wasn't comfortable talking about it because I didn't fully understand. In a way I was kind of embarrassed by it. I didn't want people to pity me and I didn't want people to feel sorry for me and I also feared that people may think that something is wrong with me. Everyone has defining moments in their life and this is one of mine. Starting to realize that experiences that are brought your way is what makes you you and not caring what other people think of you. I know I put too much emphasis on caring about what people think of me but in the end as long as I am true to myself thats all that matters.

I found myself being more and more comfortable talking about my losses. At first I didn't want to tell anyone. Nobody in our family knew we were even pregnant let alone know we had a miscarriage. Yesterday I decided to tell my mother in law. Oddly enough I felt more comfortable telling her than my own family. When I told her she also confided in me and told me she had 2 losses of her own. Its really amazing how many women go through this once you start talking about it. You feel like you are alone but you are definitely not.

I'm certain I wont be telling my own family any time soon though. Its not because I dont want them to know I just know how they get. They are so over dramatic about everything and telling them will just make them really annoying to deal with. I am much more comfortable talking to friends about it though and I am glad I have some other people to confide in.

Best.Husband.Ever!

I'm certain I have mentioned before how awesome my husband is right? Even though eats angel food cake like its cotton candy I cant help but love the man! Yesterday he gave me the ultimate surprise and got me a MacBook Air. I have been having issues with my computer being slow and freezing a lot and despite many efforts to try to fix it nothing helped. My birthday is coming up so he got me this new beauty!

I have used several Mac products before (iPad, iPhone) but never a Mac computer so its a little bit of a learning curve. I'm used to only using a Windows computer and the Mac is quite different! He even got me a case for it and keyboard cover so that A's sticky fingers cant damage it. Love it!

Hope everyone is planning on having a good weekend! We were supposed to have a quiet weekend but it turned into a bunch of stuff. Tomorrow we have a friend's birthday party for her son and on Sunday were going to a carnival! I cant wait to see how A likes rides and gets excited about all the lights. Looking forward to it! Then on Monday I have my progesterone test. Fingers crossed it all comes out well!

Also, I never shared my picture of A on 4th of July so here she is!

I Have a Confession...

Ramen Noodle is my guilt pleasure. So are those cup noodles, preferably shrimp flavor! The shrimps are literally the size of a pin head but I love them. As unhealthy as it is, its my perfect comfort food. We usually don't keep it in the house because we try to eat healthy BUT I have a stash.

When all the crazy storms were happening last year (Sandy) I prepared a box of non perishable foods and some of it included Ramen Noodles and those cups of noodles. Well, in the past few recent days I have been sneaking into the basement at lunch time and eating away! A is napping so she cant bug me for any and S cant yell at me for consuming so much sodium.

I am making one as we speak! Yummmm...

Dear Husband...

The angel food cake on our counter is not cotton candy. We do not rip off pieces of it to eat and leave the rest! Please cut yourself a piece and leave the rest so that when I go get myself a piece I'm not trying to cut mountains. Thank you.

Slacker!

I have been such a slacker keeping things up to date on here. This is exactly why I was hesitant about starting a blog but I will keep trying!

So, I will do some quick updates. After the first month of OPK's I found out that I was ovulating around CD 15 out of a 24 days cycle. This could be an issue because my luteal phase may not be long enough. I never heard about luteal phases until I did some research and talked to some friends who also dealt with fertility issues. Your luteal phase is the time from when you ovulate to the time you get your period. If its too short then the fertilized egg doesn't have enough time to attach therefore you get your period and there is no pregnancy. Ideally the luteal phase should be 12-14 days but mine is more around 9-10. Anything below 9 is considered too short and this can be caused by low progesterone.

My last period was very strange at first (TMI WARNING!) because I had some tissue discharge, almost like it was my period without the blood. I have never had that before but no positive HCG tests. Now that I have had some answers regarding my ovulation it makes total sense why I am not getting pregnant. I was totally missing ovulation!

I started OPK's this month as well and the same thing happened, positive OPK on CD15. I also started charting my temperature this month. Up until 2 days ago I was using a regular thermometer because I didn't have a BBT one. Now that I have one I think my first temp's were quite off so I likely wont have any clear data until next month. That is if they will even be right because from time to time I'm still up several times at night with A fussing.

I was trying to avoid calling my OB because last time I felt very brushed off but I did it anyway. I asked if I could request a progesterone test to see if maybe my levels were low. If they were, that would explain the m/c, short periods and short luteal phase. I'm waiting for a call back to see what the OB says (HA! as I was typing this sentence my OB called back and said she will give me the script and I will have to get it done between CD21 and CD23 which will be next Monday!)

That's pretty much all my updates for now. I did a really cool project last week that a lot of friends have been asking me to do a tutorial for. Now that my Etsy shop has slowed down a bit I will try to take the time to write it out. Hope everyone had a good  4th of July!!!

Ovulation For the Win!

After waiting for what seemed like forever I believe I have finally ovulated. Now it makes sense why we haven't gotten pregnant in the past 2 months, we have been totally missing ovulation. I have been using Fertility Friend and My Day's to track my periods and they spit out estimated dates of ovulation for you which have been completely wrong. I probably shouldn't have relied so much on them since I'm not temping but its good to see and know when I actually ovulate and that I actually am ovulating.

I don't really have anything more exciting to say today. I'm excited that its Friday and the weekend will be fairly cool. I'm planning on doing some garage sale shopping and hopefully score some deals! Happy weekend everyone!

Still Waiting....

I have been doing great with taking the OPK's and I'm still waiting for a positive. In the mean time S and I have been enjoying some daily "quality time together" just to make sure we don't miss it ;-). Since I still haven't gotten a positive its making me wonder if this will be another long cycle. I think my longest was 35 days (I know not all that long but longer than usual for me) and my shortest was 23.

I have been using both Fertility Friend and My Day's to track my periods every month. I have about 3-4 months noted and what is interesting is that both app's have the same data but both are giving me different ovulation prediction's. Unless I am temping it will never be fully accurate but I am curious to see which app will be closer with its estimation. So far Fertility Friend has lost the game. It predicted I would have ovulated in the past 3 days and nada. My Day's predicts the 12th. Lets see what happens!

Here are my tests so far.

Started OPK's

I mentioned in my previous post that I started OPK's yesterday. I even made a chart to tape them to so I can keep track but also keep them out of S's view. I don't want my pee sticks laying all around the house! I know he understands but I kind of want to keep him out of the loop. I want him to enjoy this process instead of turning it into a science project. I also think men don't get as stressed and obsessive about this stuff as women do.

 Even though I am still ok with not getting pregnant again I am interested to see how my body works. I am also curious to see how well this aligns with the ovulation prediction calendars I have been doing such  as Fertility Friend. Here are my strips so far.

Feeling Better

I've been trying to take things a big slower and take some time to myself during nap time's and I have been feeling better. Sometimes I just need to stop, relax, and realize that everything cant be done all at once. A and I have been having a great week and we took Monday and Tuesday off from playdates to just be together and relax. The weather was great so we enjoyed some Dunkin Donuts and park time and we even did some Father's Day shopping.

So, I think I'm pretty awesome! I decided to get a bidet for our bathroom and guess what? I installed it all by myself! It looked pretty intimidating but while A was napping I took it all apart and installed it. The directions were pretty easy therefore it made the installation a breeze. I didn't tell S about it until he got home so it was an interesting surprise ha ha

After it was installed it I decided to give it a go. Apparently its a good idea to start of slow and low otherwise you get quite the shock. Not only is it super strong but its also very, very cold. It is rather refreshing though I must say!

In other news, I finally got my OPK. I started using them today since I am on CD 8 and I am curious to see what day ovulation lands on. I have had estimates here and there since my cycle lengths have been so crazy so it will be interesting to see where it falls. I am quite excited. Some of my friends recommended testing 2x a day so that you don't miss the surge. Maybe once it gets closer I will test 2x but for now I will stick to once a day. I'll keep everyone updated!

Feeling Very Overwhelmed

For the past few days I have been feeling very overwhelmed. Some days are ok and some day are so so and other's are kind of bad. Today is one of those bad days. It feels like I cant keep up with life. Everything is happening so fast and I don't have the energy to keep up. I get easily frustrated, feel like I need a break and sometimes just feeling down because of it all.

I don't think its depression, I still enjoy everything I do throughout the day but I would say its more so anxiety. I hate that I cant get everything done and enjoy myself. I feel constant pressure to get things done and have everything perfectly done but its just not realistic. Not getting things done makes me feel lazy like I'm slacking but at the end of the day I just want to sit and read a book. What stinks is that when I do relax I keep circling in my head how I need to be doing something productive. Its like a never ending cycle. Sometimes I feel like I just need to get away from everything and everyone.

I am never alone. Ever. S used to travel a lot which I didn't like because I was alone. Since A came and S stopped traveling I haven't been alone. S doesn't get in my way or anything but he feel's like a pressure. Pressure to be doing something. Its hard to explain my feelings but they are very frustrating. We have been doing everything ourselves with no help from anyone and its been hard. I wont lie, there are easy days but then there are days like today when I just want the world to stop, just for one minute...or maybe an hour....or a day...

Whomp Whomp

Well, I was WAS going to test this morning but my body made it pretty clear I didn't need to. My lovely period made an appearance this morning. Naturally I'm disappointed but still ok with it. Nothing good comes easy, right?

I think were going to have to change our game plan a bit. Every other time I got pregnant before we got "down to business" every day at the time of ovulation and it worked. This time around we are getting busy every other day and I wonder if that's what is making the difference. I also wonder if I am ovulating at different times than what I expect.

I breastfed A for over a year and I didn't get my period until August of last year (10 months after birth). When my period finally came I only had two regular periods before I got pregnant again. Then I had the first m/c and then I got pregnant right away again without having any period in between. After the second m/c in February this has been my 4th period so far and all of them have been all over the place. The cycle ranges between 23-35 days which is a big range for ovulation.

I have thought about temping to see if I can pinpoint the cycles but most night's I wake up several times a night because of A fussing and often have to get up to tend to her. I think that would throw off the temperatures and sometimes I would totally forget if shes screaming in her crib. My friend said shes sending me a few OPK so maybe those can help me.

I guess wish us luck next month! On the bright side, I get myself a whole bottle of wine every time I get my period. Of course I don't drink it all in one night but it sure is delicious!

We Got A Grill!

Ok, ok, I know the news isn't all that exciting but it was the highlight of my weekend. We were going to go to NJ to celebrate my dads 50th birthday that is this week but A wasn't feeling too hot, we were just there after our vacation and I really didn't feel like driving 3 hours one way on a holiday weekend. I told them they are welcome to come down here but they didn't want to so yea, we know where we stand with that.

When we first moved here we got a charcoal grill because we thought it would we fun to have to do all the extra work and dealing with charcoal. That "excitement" died very fast. Yes, the food does taste better on a charcoal grill but you just cant beat the convenience of a gas grill. S really didn't want to change even though I think he has grilled a total of 5 times since we got the thing. My main argument was that I would love to use and cook with it but I just cant cook on a charcoal grill alone. Its too much work, especially with A running around.

After talking about it for a few days (really me nagging about it) he finally caved. He told me if I can sell our old charcoal one then we can get a new one. I sold it on craigslist for $90 overnight so today was our shopping day for a grill. We looked online and did some research we found one we like for $130. Then as it always happens, we went to Lowes to look at it and ended up buying one that cost us over $400 with the cover. I know that's quite a jump but the quality just could not be beat.

Its the KintchenAid 2 Burner and it works wonderful! We ended up getting a cover for it and since we spent over a certain amount we got a free gas tank. I took it for a test cookout today and I LOVED it! So easy to use, small enough for our family and it heats up/cools super fast. Here is what it looks like:

On a different note, my period is due to be here on Thursday/Friday. Will it come or will it skip me?? Hmm, cant wait to find out but I am not testing until at least Thursday for a piece of mind. I know if I test and see negative I will be down even though I know its still very early. Waiting is the worse!

Addicted

Are you bored? Have the need to spend but no money? Well I have just the thing for you!

Go to www.Amazon.com and search Sodial. Yes, I am addicted! I have ordered so many things from them since most are under $5 and free shipping whether you have Prime membership or not. Even though it comes from Honk Kong and takes about 2-4 weeks to arrive its so worth it.

Some of the recent things I have purchased were:

"Safe Shampoo Shower Bath Cap for Baby Children" - (Seriously amazing!)

 

"Ball Inflating Pump Needle Adaptor (Pack of 10)"- (Yea, I only needed one but it worked great)

 

And "Baby Locks" - (These were pretty useless)

Enjoy!

 

 



Devious Cycle

Sometimes I think my body likes to play tricks on me. After our most recent m/c we decided to wait at least 2 cycles to ttc again. My first cycle was 32 days, the next one was 29 days and the most recent one was when we were going to ttc finally. The wait felt like forever and we were hoping to try for a Bahamas baby since my cycle was going to line up perfectly.

Well, my body decided to play a trick on me because not only did I get a UTI right in the smack middle of ovulation but my cycle was also only 23 days! What the heck is that body??? I don't think I have ever had a cycle that short. I ended up getting my period on the second day of the cruise but thankfully the period only lasted 3 days. I always take a pg test after a period anyway just to make sure and know where I stand.

The wait after ovulation is the worse. I have one more week before my period is due and I am dying to pee on something! I don't want to do it too early and get a negative and be disappointed so I promised myself to hold out until the 30th. Hurry up time!

Immigration Security

In one of my previous entries I mentioned how S had to drive back home before our cruise left to get our marriage certificate because we made the cruise reservation's in my married name but didn't notice that my passport was still in my maiden name. Well, the interesting thing was that even though the Norwegian rep told us we must have the document in order to board the ship, nobody checked any of my documents besides my passport.

That part was mostly annoying because S drove 6 hours the night before just to get those papers but what's a little disturbing was that I was taking a baby out of the country and nobody questioned the fact that my document had a different name from not only my reservation but also my passport. Nobody even blinked when looking at my paperwork. A took most of her looks from her dad and looks nothing like me and I was quite a bit surprised nobody even asked or mentioned why our names were different, where is the dad or anything.

Then when we were going through immigration at the Bahamas we needed our ID and passport to get back on the boat. My ID is in my married name but my passport was in my maiden name and again, nobody said anything. They didn't even ask to see ID for the child.

Its pretty scary how people can be so lax about things that could change someone's life. We are hearing more and more about child abductions lately and its quite an eye opened when you see things like this happen. Obviously it wasn't an issue here but its scary to see how easy it to take a child out of the country without anyone questioning anything.

I've Been Missing!

I didn't get lost on the ship, I swear, just feeling a bit overwhelmed lately with a lot of things going on all at once. We got back from the cruise a week ago and it was great but not everything I expected. Trying to unpack and get back to life after 7 days of being away can sometimes be a bit much.

 We loved a lot of things about the cruise. I didn't set my expectations high because I knew we were traveling with a toddler and wouldn't be able to do much but what I didn't expect was for everything to be so repetitive. We went on another Norwegian cruise in November of 2009 but despite the fact that we were on a different ship and 4 years later I was pretty surprised to see that the shows and entertainment is exactly the same. They had the same performances, same game shows, same everything. They even had the same exact songs they played by the band! We couldn't do much in the evenings because Annabelle went down to sleep at 7 but it didn't even matter because we pretty much saw the same stuff last time.

 The waters were very choppy! The first night at sea S got super sick and almost threw up. He said he was very surprised because he hasn't gotten sick since he was in 6th grade and has never gotten motion sickness. I was fine for most of the time and A loved everything and slept like an angel. I think the rocking really helped her. At one point I had to go to the service desk and ask for nausea medication for S.

 The excursions were nice and we had a lot of fun but it was hot! When we got to Nassau it was so hot we were only able to be on land for an hour max because even thought A had on sunscreen (which she later rubbed in her eye.. not fun..) she was getting very overheated sitting in a stroller. I was also a bit disappointed in the beach at the private island, Great Stirrup Cay. The shore was so rocky that some man coming out of the water was yelling "this beach sucks!" and I don't blame him. Thankfully we rented a shell so we had our own private section that was shaded.

 We paid A LOT for this vacation and even though some parts disappointed me, getting a suite vs. a regular room was something I do not regret. Having priority boarding and not having to stand in lines was amazing! We had our own private restaurants for only people in suites and first go at everything. We had a soaking tub in the room which made giving A baths a breeze. The extra large balcony was great for relaxing in the evenings once A went to sleep and we even had a butler that bought us milk for Annabelle every day. Our mini fridge had more milk in it than alcohol! We had a coffee/tea machine and A got frothed milk every day instead of her regular boring milk. She was loving it! Every day we got some kind of a treat from our butler, either chocolate covered strawberries, baked goods, snacks or fresh fruit and we loved it!

 Now we are back to life. S went back to work on Tuesday and we are slowly falling back into our routines. I loved our trip but for the price I wish we would have taken a bunch of little trips instead of one big one. Lesson learned and there is always next year. I think next year we will do some nice camping trips.

I'll leave you with these two images. One of the water in NYC and one from The Bahamas. Yea, take a guess which one is from where.