Opening Up

Going through a miscarriage is a very painful thing for a woman. It makes you feel like you failed your child which is a mother's worse fear. Not only do you feel like your failed as a mother but also as a woman. One of the main things women are supposed to be able to do is carry a child and I wasn't able to do that. Not only was I not able to do it once, but it happened twice. Back to back.

When it happens once you think to yourself that this must have just been bad luck. Then you get pregnant again and think to yourself, what are the chances of it happening again! When it does happen again you really start questioning your body and what is going on. Is it me? Was it the baby? Was it the sperm?

I think up until now I wasn't comfortable talking about it because I didn't fully understand. In a way I was kind of embarrassed by it. I didn't want people to pity me and I didn't want people to feel sorry for me and I also feared that people may think that something is wrong with me. Everyone has defining moments in their life and this is one of mine. Starting to realize that experiences that are brought your way is what makes you you and not caring what other people think of you. I know I put too much emphasis on caring about what people think of me but in the end as long as I am true to myself thats all that matters.

I found myself being more and more comfortable talking about my losses. At first I didn't want to tell anyone. Nobody in our family knew we were even pregnant let alone know we had a miscarriage. Yesterday I decided to tell my mother in law. Oddly enough I felt more comfortable telling her than my own family. When I told her she also confided in me and told me she had 2 losses of her own. Its really amazing how many women go through this once you start talking about it. You feel like you are alone but you are definitely not.

I'm certain I wont be telling my own family any time soon though. Its not because I dont want them to know I just know how they get. They are so over dramatic about everything and telling them will just make them really annoying to deal with. I am much more comfortable talking to friends about it though and I am glad I have some other people to confide in.